Looking back, I see now that my childhood and young adult years were spent surviving a life that felt chaotic, unpredictable and stressful.
However, at the age of 14 I began drinking and using drugs. I had thoughts of suicide and tried antidepressants and tranquilizers but mixing the medications with the alcohol was not only dangerous, but made the antidepressants ineffective.
In the winter of 2011-2012, I still drinking and drugging, life this time was not good. I was in such a state of depression that being able to work did little to make me feel well. I had some good days but most of my time was spent still not wanting to live. I was tired of feeling anxious, depressed and afraid. I had burned through cash, friendships, jobs and important relationships. I spent the last of my money and borrowed more. I spent all that and lost most of the few remaining friends I had left. I could not drink or drug enough to make the feelings, memories and thoughts of suicide go away. I had reached a terrible point in my life that only another alcoholic can know – afraid to live but now afraid to die. I remember it well. It was 4:00 a.m., I had come to in a state of withdrawl. I had lost the choice to drink and drug. I was now forced to drink to stop the shakes. I was lost, alone, broke, and very angry with God because of course, He was making me go through this. God had at last, shown up on my radar and become a thought for thinking...well, more like blaming.
I can‘t tell you exactly why but on that day I was given a moment of clarity. I later realized it was an act of the grace of God. All I knew is that deep down in what was left of my soul, I needed help from more than what this world could provide. I had no place to turn so i went into a church. It was Tuesday, but I didn’t care. It was now morning, and the sun was shining. At 9:00 a.m. I decided to buy some liquid courage and spent the last change I had on a beer. I drank it and went to church. Of coursef it was a Tuesday, and no one was there, so I went to another. There I found a pastor and asked him to pray for me. He did, we talked and he bought me lunch. After lunch I was feeling a little better but still far from well so I went to another church where I found another pastor. We sat, visited and he prayed for me.That night I was still feeling just as beat down as I ever, but now I knew that God was with me, always had been and would show me how I could get help – the kind of help that would work.That evening I went to a free meeting of people who try to recover from alcoholism on a spiritual basis. In that meeting I found others who had been through some of the things I had and began to recover. I was suprised that some of them had years of sobriety and were prominent members of my community. This gave me hope that I could recover as well. That was the last day I drank alcohol -Feb 1 2012. As I worked the program, got to know people in the fellowship and began again to pray everyday, I began to know a new happiness that was true. I learned that in order for me to be happy again I had to reconnect with God.